Apples

Yes, apples. Hmmmm....

Where do they come from? A tree you say? NO, you are wrong, they came from the apple shaped violin of prosperity.

"What is the apple shaped violin of prosperity?"

It is an apple shaped violin, which has prosperity.

"Where is it may I ask?"

It can be found on the moon, or somewhere in South America, one of the two. But the apple shaped violin of prosperity, is the source of all our apples, yes, YOUR apples, MY apples, the QUEEN's apples, (unless you are reading this Queen Elizabeth then you would go under the "YOUR" bit).

So yeah, a little post to tell you that apples come from the apple shaped violin of prosperity. If you find it, then you will receive a lot of apples for your skills in finding stuff.

2 views a day

I haven't really thought of anything to post in the last few days, so I thought I would post about what I saw on my blog stats today...

I saw that yesterday, the 21st August 2012, only 2 people bothered to take a look at my blog. That is 2 people every 24 hours, 1 person every 12 hours, half a person every 6 hours, a quarter of a person every 3 hours, and so on, you get the picture.

I mean, is it not much to ask for around 10-15 views a day (which, in this early stage of my blog is what I'm aiming for.) But 2? I mean seriously?

It may have something to do with the fact I didn't post anything yesterday, but still on an off day I expect a few more than 2.

Anyway, little complaint over, I will post something up soon, and if you are reading this, spread my blog around with your friends! There's a bit for everyone!

The world we live in

Now I thought that I'd better post something vaguely serious on this blog from time to time, a break away from all the stupid, random rubbish I've been posting on here since I first joined a few days ago. What this little post will be about is what kind of world we live in, and the sort of realities that we face. Here's a few to name:

A footballer gets paid more than soldiers, fireman, and policemen. 

I find this pretty ridiculous. Footballers, however talented they are do not deserve the money they get (the ones who are on hundreds of thousands of pounds a week of course.) And the fact that a fireman, who risks their life more days than not, only gets paid enough to put food on the table. In my opinion, footballers should be wage capped, or actually, maybe not, as obviously £200,000 a week is pretty hard to live on.

Any moment could be your last.

Yup that's right, this moment, as your reading this sentence, could be your last moment that you will ever experience on this planet, you may not even get to read the end of this paragraph. Some lunatic murderer could break into your house and kill you with a knife, or you can suddenly die of an organ failure. Or you could be reading this on your phone and BOOM, you get hit by a car. Yes, any moment you can die, just like that, so make the most of every day, as each day could be your last. It kind of puts everything in perspective, so screw life, just live it how you want, you could die tomorrow!

Google is taking over the world.

Yup that's right, Google is taking over the known world, slowly but steadily. No one can stop them. You use it every single day, once if not multiple times, often with out realizing. They offer a whole range of services, from blogging, to the maps, a search engine, a social network, an emailing service and trillions of images, all for free. The company is just getting bigger and bigger, and soon it will rule the world, you heard it here first.

You can be 16 to have sex, but you must be 18 to watch porn.

This is one of the most stupidest things in the known world of law. Once you turn 16, you can finally have sex without breaking the law (in the UK), but sorry, you have to wait 2 more years before you can watch people having sex, I mean, that's not stupid at all, is it?

Slavery still exists.

This whole slavery thing should not exist anymore, world. I mean seriously, you wouldn't think that there are more slaves in the world than ever before even more than the slave trade in the 1800s. There are 27 million slaves in the world, so why hasn't anything been done to stop it? 

So that's it, my 5 or 6 things say a thing or 2 about the world, and what a rubbish place it can be, and also, how stupid it can be from time to time. I hope you enjoyed reading my first "serious" post, as I will be doing this sort of thing from time to time, please comment if you agree, disagree, or have any more suggestions. 

Zebras must be stopped

Zebras must be stopped!

Why? I'm glad you asked, it's because they're evil, horrible, rude and damn right ugly.

My first, and one of only two encounters with a zebra was in Iceland. I was walking around, when suddenly a zebra appeared, now Iceland is obviously where you tend to find zebras roaming, so I just took the moment in and counted it as normal. But then, the zebra came closer, as if it wanted to eat me, well, no one eats me I say! So I ran over, attacked it, whacked it with a rock I got off the ground and with in minutes I sucked all the life out of it, I then set up a camp fire and ate the thing, I have to say, it was very tasty.

So that's one encounter I had with an evil zebra that tried to eat me, the next time was when I was at home, playing my xbox. I heard screaming from outside, so I put some clothes on and climbed out the window, I landed in the road, to see what was going on and yes, you guessed it... a zebra was attacking a fellow human being. As I had a history with zebras, I knew what to do, so I picked up a rock, whacked the zebra repeatedly until all the life had been sucked out of the evil black and white striped animal. But, another zebra came round the corner, this time, it had a sword and a shield to protect it's self, and kill me! So, I got a rock, disarmed it and hit it repeatedly until all the life had been sucked out of the damn thing. 

I was victorious! The person I saved thanked me and "owes me their life." No need to thank me, it's just routine.

So, since then I have been trying to stop every zebra in the world from attacking and eating people using shields and swords. But I don't think it's working, as zebras keep making more zebras through breeding, so far, I have not been able to stop these deadly creatures, but one day, I will.  

Three years ago today

Yes that's right, 3 years ago today, it happened.

Let's begin this story 3 years and 4 days ago (1,099 days ago to be exact.)

I was walking on the beach, minding my own business then BOOM! I fell to the ground after a knock to the head, now at the time, I obviously had no idea what knocked me down, as I was unconscious. I stayed out of it for about 4 hours, until I woke up on my sofa, with a book in my hand. Now, the book had no words in it, it was just a plain book with a brown cover with about 200 pages of white blank nothingness on them. So, I began to read the book. About a minute later, I had read the book, as it had no words on it, so it took no time to read.

Then the TV came on, and it delivered a message to me through the actions of a man. It said "You, yes you, you must do as I say, go to a shop, and buy me a news paper, a pen, a sheep, a clock and, most importantly... a statue in the shape of the number 6." So I did, I brought all that he said, except the statue shaped like the number 6, I couldn't find one.

4 days passed, to the day of the EVENT, I still hadn't found the statue though, I could only find a statue shaped like the letter A and the number 271, but not the number 6 unfortunately. I continued to search for the statue, but I couldn't find it. Then, the man came back, he said "well done for getting all the items, but you haven't got the statue, so now, I have put a spell on you, so that you can now only speak Chinese.

我希望你喜歡這個故事

National Door Day

National Door Day

What a fabulous creation they are: doors. They can be shut, they can be opened, they can be half opened, they can be half shut. They can be blue, red, yellow, pink, green, black, they can be circle, triangle, square and rectangle. 

So why do we treat them with such disrespect? When you're angry and you storm out of a room, the first thing you may do is slam the door as hard as you can, why? What's that achieving? What did the precious door do to you?

This is why, my dear readers, (who by the way are very low in number, in fact YOU, yes YOU, reading this now, wherever you are, could be the only person to have read this so far!) Anyway, so yeah, this is why, my dear reader(s), we must have a national door day to celebrate this wonderful invention, that we use dozens of times a day with out even realizing, a bit like blinking, only cooler.

The national door day will be December 25th, as nothing else goes on that day I don't think, so it would be the perfect date to do it, but I NEED your support. I don't know how you can support me, but that just sounded quite cool.

So, next time you open a door, maybe acknowledge the fact you are opening a door, and acknowledge the fact that one day, all doors will be gone, as they would have died of err... hunger. So keep feeding your doors people! And remember, Dec 25th, put it in your calendar!

Short Story: The man who ate his hat

Short Story: The man who ate his hat

The title should say it all, this little story is about a man who ate, yes ATE his hat.

The story begins with the man sitting at home with his wife in the living room. They were watching an Eastenders omnibus, and of course, the man was wearing a hat. 

The man, for some unknown reason always wore a hat. He wore it in bed, whilst he was out, whilst at work, whilst watching TV, basically, 99% of the time, he had this stupid hat on. 

His wife, hated the hat, in fact, she despised it.  The hat was worn and torn, over 35 years old, it was once blue, now it is brown, she was disgusted because of it's horrid worn look, and would do anything to get rid of the damn thing.

His wife kept on nagging him to take his hat off, to hang up his hat for good, but he wouldn't listen, he loved his hat, more than anything.

So one day, he was out jogging, and he was attacked by a masked figure. He was knocked unconscious by the attack, and woke up a few hours later in a room. No one else was about, except him, and his hat. 

A few hours had now passed, and he still had not seen anybody, then the masked figure walked in, the figure took of their mask, and their face was revealed, it was his wife. The man was so happy that the attacker was his wife and not some big, hard, terrifying gangster, that he hugged her and embraced her, moments later, the man ate his hat.

"Let's go home." He said softly, and they joined hands, headed home, but on this occasion, the man was not wearing his hat.

The end